The Only Sanctuary
by Yuuki Sakurai
Summary: Hikaru can't control his urges for Kaoru on his own. So he takes a new approach: getting drunk and smoking his life away. But what will he do when he's mindlessly out of control?
1. Hikaru's Secrets

Chapter One

Hikaru's secret

I know what I did was wrong. I know that when he fell asleep, I should have kept my hands to myself. But of course, being my usual stupid self, I couldn't keep myself under control. As his eyes were closed I crawled myself onto him. Felt his skin through the tips of fingers, feeling sensations I haven't felt in a long time. Pecked his lips with my own. Touched his hair, felt his heart beat, and tasted the inside of his mouth.

I hated myself when I was done. When I rolled back on my side and closed my eyes, not to fall asleep, but to mentally beat myself up over what I had just done. Kaoru can never find out, I must always be quiet. Always soft. Almost invisible. But when I'm with him, I don't want it to be soft. I want to give him my all. I want to eat him up; all the way to the core.

Smoke filled the room as I puffed on my eighth cigarette. I opened the window a bit more to let the room air out. I hated nights like these. Usually I can go on for awhile, but very often I need a recharge. I need to touch him. Then when I'm done I'm so overpowered with guilt I smoke the whole night away.

"Hikaru?" Kaoru sits up in bed. Damn, he must have smelled the smoke, I flicked the cigerette out the window.

"Go back to sleep." I said.

"Come to sleep with me."

Why does he say things like that? I ruffle my hair and get back into bed, warm under the covers. Kaoru wraps his arm around my cheast.

"This time you can't leave me." He whispered.

My eyes went wide, but I made sure my "downstairs" stayed in place. I stayed up until his breath went heavy. I wonder what he dreams about? I get out of bed and stretch. Then I looked down back at him. If only he knew how crazy he made me feel. I bent down and kissed him gently on his lips. Then before I could do anything else I left the room and followed the stairs to the second floor.

Oh, so this was where my legs were taking me. Dad's office. Except, it wasn't really an office. It was more of a room with a desk, computer, and cabinets beyond cabinets of alchol. I looked around before choosing one that looked interesting. I took it down and unscrewed it. I gulped the burning liquid down my throat, sending tingles throught my body.

It's not like I'm a heavy alcholic. I mean, I've been up here before, once with Kaoru. Others by myself. I can't help myself. Drinking this calms my nerves and helps me not think of Kaoru. But I always put the bottle back after taking a few sips. Always.

* * *

MORNING

I need a new pack of cigerettes. I didn't sleep a wink last night, smoking away all my cancer sticks. I sigh as Kaoru enters the kitchen, taking down a box of cereal.

"Good morning to you too." He smirked.

"Sorry." I put my hand against my pounding head, "Splitting headache."

"Ah." Kaoru muffled through a handful of coco puffs.

I took a few, opened my mouth, then decided better of it. I threw them away.

"Are you going to be ok?" Kaoru asked, leaning closer to me, he puts his hand on my head, "Wow, you really are burning up."

I doubted it was from the headache. He was far too close for his own good. My heart began to pick up pace, but I quickly shoved away his hands.

"I'll be fine."

"If you say so. Come on, let's get to school."

"I'll be there in a sec, I forgot a book upstairs."

Kaoru left the house. I raced up the stairs and into dad's office. Pulled out the same bottle that smelled so good, and took a few swigs. Then, without even thinking clearly, I poured some into a dark water bottle. I know what your thinking; I shouldn't do this. But it's just a one time thing. Then I was on my way out the door.


	2. Kaoru's longing

Chapter Two

Kaoru's longing

"Oh Tamaki, it's been so long since we've had tea together." Sighs a girl with long brown hair, her hands pressed against her face as if she were truly troubled.

"I know princess, I'm so sorry we haven't spent much time together, how could I ever make it up?" He takes her hands in his, "Maybe we'll have tea together alone, one day."

"Oh Tamaki, I'd love that!" Squeals the girl.

I grit my teeth. Their stupid squeling is so annoying. I don't understand the point of it. I felt something on my hand. I looked down. Hikaru was holding onto it tightly.

"Hikaru?"

"Hm?" He looked over at me, "Oh, my bad."

He moved his hand. I looked at him. He was acting strange. His eyes seemed glazed over, as if he were day dreaming. I snap my fingers in front his face. He blinks and looks back over at me.

"What?" His voice is groggy.

"Hikaru, are you ok? You look sick."

"I'm fine." He looks down at the floor, "I'm going to be sick."

He races out of the room. I take off after him. I follow him into an empty classroom. There he hurls all over the floor. I hold onto him for comfort. Once he's done he lets out an aching moan and turns to me. At first I have no idea what he's about to do. He looks at me with his eyes, but it's almost like he's not even here. Then he leans against me and puts his head on my shoulder. I hug him gently.

Then fear over comes me. Did I go to far? Should I move away my hands? I'm about to when he wraps his own arms around me. I sighed.

Hikaru and I have always been close. Ever since the day we were born, we've been together. And the way mom tells it, we were born with our pinkie fingers together. The doctors were the ones that parted us, and sewn us as diffrent beings. He is a mirror image of me and I am a mirror image of him. Identical twins with identical thoughts and identical looks. But not identical feelings.

I don't know when it stopped being brotherly love.I don't know when I stopped seeing him as my brother and opened my eyes to my lover. Maybe it was too many yaoi mangas? Or Renge twisting my thoughts around? Or maybe it was his touch? His breath? His scent? And the chills that came with them. Either way I still wake up wishing that I could change this situation. Like, maybe we could be together if we weren't brothers.

"I'm ok now." Hikaru says, standing up, but still a little wobbly.

"Are you sure?" I ask, not letting go of him.

"Yeah. But I think I need to go home." He rubs his head.

"Ok."

I heard something fall. I looked on the floor. It was a water bottle. I picked it up.

"Can I have some?" I asked, unscrewing the lid.

"No!" He grabbed it out of my hands.

I looked at him confusingly. He stared at me for a while and twisted his fingers together.

"I- um, I need the water. Thirsty. Dehydrated. Y'know?" But he doesn't drink it. He puts it in his backpack.

"Alright, let's get home."

As we head home I stare at him. What was that bout? Why wouldn't he let me drink out of his water bottle? It was sort of depressing. I mean, if he can't handle _drinking _after me then we could never.....he'd never want to kiss me. I ran my hands through my hair.

Maybe these feelings are pointless?


	3. Hikaru's blackout

**************************************************************************************************************************************************Author's note: Konichiwa! Yuuki here! This is my second Hikaru/Kaoru story! Truthfully, I don't like this one as much as my first one but *shrugs* what are ya gonna do?? I got the idea from a show called Degrassi. The epsiode was about this gay character and he was drinking vodka. And it just hit me: what would happen if Hikaru was an alcholic? So I just had to write the story, although I don't think it's turning out so well. :( Idk, maybe it's just me being the writer? What do my readers think?? Thanks for your time and please review and enjoy this chapter!

* * *

Chapter Three

Hikaru's blackout

Finally home, I stagger into the house. Everything around me is swirling out of control.

"Hikaru?"

Kaoru's face is a blur of colors. He calls my name again but my mouth is full of sand. And then the sand pours out my eyes and I'm swallowed into darkness. It's almost like I'm outside of my body. Not really me, but beside me. And all I can hear is shouting. Screaming. A crash. What's happening? There's a cry. Kaoru? Is Kaoru crying? I open my eyes.

At first I don't realize where I am. I have to blink a couple times before I notice that I'm lying against the wall. I look around the room. A vase is shattered in the middle of the floor. The curtains are ripped and thrown across the room. The couch is tipped over. And right in the middle of it is Kaoru, his hands to his face, whimpering loudly.

"Kaoru?"

He moves his hands. I almosy gasp. But it gets stuck in my throat. Kaoru has a blood coming from his head. He's got tears streaming from his eyes. I crawl over to him slowly. But when I try to touch him he cringes away. I take my hand away.

"Kaoru, what happened?"

His eyes are wide. I look around the room again. What happened to me? Was I attacked and passed out? Maybe we were robbed? I looked around the room. No, couldn't have been a robbery. Everything worth anything was still around. And it couldn't have been a random murder, because no ones dead. It couldn't have been our parent's, they weren't due home till next week.

That was when I realized, with terrible horrible feeling, that it was me. It had been me. I did this. When I....I blacked out. But I wasn't myself. It was the alchol.

"Kaoru-" But he got up and left the room. My heart turned inside out. What have I done? I dig through my backpack and find the water bottle. I go into the kitchen. I hold it over the sink. And watch the contents pour out. I will never use this again for as long as I live. I will never do that to Kaoru again.

When I walk into our room he's sitting on our bed, covered in nothing but a towel. He must have tooken a shower. I sat next time, this time he didn't flinch. Instead, he took my hand in his.

"It will never happen again. Kaoru I-"

"You weren't you." He whispered, "You weren't Hikaru. You were.....scary. You were something else."

And that's when I realize he's shaking. His entire body was shaking. Did I scare him that bad? I hugged my arms around him. Why was I so messed up? Why did I this? _How _could I do this? I kissed him sweetly on his head. Just a little brotherly love. But as soon I did, he stopped shaking. Did I go to far? Did I give myself away?

"Promise me you wont ever do that again." He sticks out his pinkie. The exact same pinkie that had kept us together through birth. That was a symbol of our relationship. That we were brothers. Heart, blood, and soul. And apparently; nothing more. I lock my finger with his.

"Promise."

Morning fades into night. And my depression worsens. My heart is to heavy for me to carry as he lies beside me. So innocent, so untouchable. He would never take advantage of _ me _as I'd sleep. My hand reaches for him, but I stop myself.

I can see the moon as I climb the stairs. I can see it shine through the window in dad's office. And I can see it dissapear behind the clouds as I unscrew the cap on the heavy stuff and gulp it all away.

* * *

Author's note: Ok, I have a job for my readers! I need some ideas for the next upcoming chapter pretty please! Because i've noticed while writing this story, i'm really vulnerable to it. The story, I mean. Because I've switched their feelings and actions and thoughts in this story, and i guess im not really used to it. So I really need your help and ideas! They will be greatly appreciated!


	4. Kaoru can only watch

Chapter Four

Kaoru can only watch

I would be lying if I told you that I trusted Hikaru when he promised that he would never do that again. Because how could he promise to something he doesn't even regret doing? He acts as if nothing happened. As if he didn't even do it, like it was a dream. But it wasn't. I've got this splitting headache to prove it. And the blood down the drain as evidence.

I know he apologized, but half of me doesn't believe him. Half of me blames him. And half of me is completely terrified of him. I've never seen that side of him before, and it scares the living day lights out of me. The way he shouted things at me, tour things down. He was just so.....angry. But what was he angry about? Did something happen at school that I didn't know about? Impossible, I was with him the whole day, and I would've noticed it if something had bothered him.

"Kaoru."

Goosebumps run down my arm. I look down at him. He's still fast asleep. Oh, he said my name in his sleep. I smiled to myself, flattered. I ran my hands through his hair, wondering what he was dreaming about.

"Hay, sleepy head." I shook him, "Time to wake up."

He groans and moves his hand over his eyes. I give him a small push.

"Leave me the hell alone!" He shouts.

There it is again. That hatred and anger that hurt me so bad. I moved my hand away from him as he sat up. He looked into my eyes, is it Hikaru again?

"Kaoru...I'm sorry. I was just having this bad dream, and, and I took it out on you."

"It's ok." I stood up to get dressed, he caught my hand.

"I really am sorry."

"No, it's ok." I wonder if he can tell my fake smiles from my real ones?

Once we were done dressing, I dressed in the bathroom, we headed to school. We didn't talk all the way there, the only movement was Hikaru drinking out of his water bottle. The same one he wouldn't let me drink out of. I pouted and stared out the window.

We pulled up to the school and met up with Haruhi on our way to class.

"Hikaru, you reek." Haruhi frowned, scrunching up her nose, "You smell like-"

"Oh no!" Hikaru grabbed both our hands, "We'll be late to class!"

We were ten minutes early. Haruhi had stared at us strangely for a while before endulging herself into a book. Hikaru finished off his water bottle and layed his head on his desk. It didn't take him long to fall asleep. I rolled my eyes and began doodeling in my notebook. First stick people, a few hearts, some stars over here. By the time the teacher entered the room I had filled up two pages of random doodles.

"Hitachiin!"

I looked up at her. But she was staring at me, she was looking at my brother. She threw a book at his head. Hikaru slowly sat up and threw threw the book on the floor.

"Thank you for joining us. I don't allow-"

"Shut up."

"Excuse me?"

"I said, shut the fuck up!"

My eyes went big. What the hell is he doing? The teacher says something about expelling him, and he throws over his desk.

"Expell me then you bitch!"

"Hikaru-" Haruhi is staring wide eyed at him.

He looks at her with these hate-lust eyes that makes my skin burst out in goosebumps. I'm beside her, quick as a flash. Hikaru focuses on me. It's almost a second before I'm pressed against the wall, his hands pushing against my shoulders so hard I feared they'd bruise.

"Hikaru stop!" Haruhi pulls on his shirt.

He slaps her away with one hand and she falls. Some students race out of the room. The teacher is still yelling at Hikaru. And it doesn't help. The only one that can stop him now is him. He has to want to stop. And he does.

His grip loosens and he lets me go. I rub my hand against my sore shoulder. He stares at me longingly, and now I know it's Hikaru. He's sad and hurt and maybe, just maybe, guilty. But before I can speak he dissapears from the room. I help Haruhi up, she seems a bit dazed.

"Are you ok?" I asked, she nods but she still seems out of it.

"Kaoru, do you have any alchol in the house?" Haruhi suddenly asked.

"Hm? What are you talking about?"

"When Hikaru was talking to me, I could smell the alchol on his breath. He's been drinking."

Drinking? Is that why he's been acting so strange lately? He's been drunk? Why would he be drinking? I mean, we've experimented with dad's alchol before, but to do it purposfuly to the point where you can't control yourself? That's not Hikaru at all. There must be something going on.

"I'll see you later Haruhi." I rub her head before leaving.

Whatever is going on with Hikaru I hope I can help. Because I don't think I can handle his rollercoaster of moods. And if he's got alchol in hand, then there's no telling what else he could do. I open the door to our house and peer inside. I'd be lying if I told you it was still in one piece.

Paintings were thrown from the walls. The back door was broken from it's henges. The couch was once again over turned. Glass scattered the floor. And amongst all this mess was Hikaru, sitting on the window sill, crying.


	5. Hikaru guilt free

Chapter Five

Hikaru; guilt free

Why……am I here……how am I here? I don't remember anything. I know I'm home. I can see the cream colored carpet beyond my hair that shades my eyes. But why am I here? Everything is blank. What I do know is I hurt. I have this terrible headache. And I feel so lonely….almost like I'm lost…..or I've lost something. It's hard to explain.

But I feel sad.

I feel like my heart has just fallen into ashes, because I hurt so badly. And I don't know why. And I can't stop the water works. I feel so stupid, crying for no apparent reason. But I feel so dead. I feel like nothing.

Warm. Something warm brushes away my hair and rests on my cheeks. I look up. Kaoru. How'd he get here? Did…did something happen again? I wanted to look around, see if I had broken anything again. But his hands felt so good. I didn't want to move.

Kaoru leans his head against mine. My heart stops. He's so close….our lips are so close…..if only I could close that space between us. But I know I won't. And I know he won't either. I close my eyes; I can at least enjoy it for the moment, cant I? No, I can't. Because he starts crying. I look up at him but his eyes are closed and tears are streaking from his eyes. I brush some hair away and place my hands on his cheeks. He opens his eyes.

Was it that bad? Whatever I did, was it that bad? Did I hurt him again? Why am I so stupid? Why do I keep going back to the bottle? Because it helps. And it does. It helps me black out. Helps me forget. Helps me pretend like these feelings for Kaoru never existed. It helps wash away the pain.

But, can I keep at it, when I'm hurting the one I love so badly? Can I keep hurting him for my own sanity? Can I keep being selfish; keep watching his bright excited eyes dim from fear? From worry? Can I keep watching him cry?

He suddenly moves away, and it takes all my might to keep myself from holding him back. To keep his warm hands touching me. I'm about to sit up when he bends down slightly and kisses the top of my head. My heart flutters.

"I'm…..sleepy." He sighs, "Let's go take a nap together."

I wasn't going to object. We don't even change clothes when we crawl into bed together. He snuggles up to me, wrapping his arms around my sides and laying his head against my chest. It's suddenly really hard to breathe. I put my hand on top of his head and close my eyes. Hopefully he'll be asleep soon.

It takes him maybe an hour before his breathing evens out. He's fallen on the other side of the bed, His arms sprawled out. I smile to myself, noting how adorable he looks while he sleeps. And then the lust overpowers me.

I stare down at his lips and how bad I crave to touch them. I slowly, quietly, sneak myself atop of him. I bend down, my hands entwining with his, and press my lips against his. I open my eyes as I sat there, and stare at his eyelids. How dirty could this be? I'm using him while he sleeps. While he's vulnerable. I hate myself.

So I get off of him. And I stand there, just for a bit. Staring down at him. Isn't it better this way? Aren't I doing better drunk, than using his body while he sleeps? I touch him again, and the hunger pulses through my body. I have to get lost.

So I make my way up the stairs. To dad's office. Into the fancy wine. Bottle after bottle. I'm more lost than ever. The rush runs down my body and into my brain and all I can think about is how good it would feel to be inside of him. And I don't feel guilty as I take another gulp, another thought, another bottle. Because I'm free when I'm drunk. And I'm guilty when I'm sober. So I should just stay drunk forever.

I should stay guilty free.


	6. Kaoru's most vulnerable experience

Chapter Six

Kaoru's most vulnerable experience

Lonely. Something's missing. I reach out for Hikaru. I grasp the sheets. I open my eyes and turn to face Hikaru. Except, Hikaru isn't here. It takes me awhile to fully wake up. I rub my eyes and stare out the window. It's night. I get up and begin to wander around the house. It's quiet. Maybe he went out. I go into the kitchen for something to drink.

It was so cold, I wish I had brought a robe down with me. I guess this hot chocolate will do. It warms my hands and heats my insides, and I cant help but smile. I felt so relaxed. These past few weeks have been hectic. I wouldn't be surprised if I had broken out in wrinkles, Hikaru's caused me so much worry. But I don't understand what makes him brake out in these violent rages. All I can do is try and help him through this, gain his trust, and maybe he'll talk to me.

Once I'm done I put the cup into the sink and head back to bed. Until I hear the moaning. It's faint, but I can hear it. Someone's in pain. Hikaru's in pain. I try and follow the sounds. It leads me upstairs. What's Hikaru doing upstairs? I go anyway. Down the hall. Down another. Until I've found the right one. The right door. Dad's office. Oh.

It all seemed clear now. I opened the door. Hikaru was leaning against the wall, clenching his sides, eyes shut tight, and moaning. Countless of bottles were strewn across the floor. So this was what he had been doing. Was there really any other way to explain it?

I go over and feel his head, he's burning up. I sigh and am about to get up when he clenches tightly onto my hand.

"Kaoru. Is feels sur sick." He slurs.

"I know, let me get you some water."

He shakes his head, like a toddler not getting his way. His hand tightens.

"Hikaru that hurts!"

But before I can catch my breath he's pinned me down to the floor. He finally opens his blood shot eyes and stares down at me. He reeks of alcohol.

"Why are you always teasing me?"

Teasing? What's he talking about? Yet I don't have a chance to think when he forces his lips against mine. I'm confused and a little pissed so I push him off.

"What do you think your doing?"

"Don't yous kn….I love you?"

My eyes went wide. Then he forces another kiss onto me. Except this one has more passion. More want. More lust. I'm scared. And yet I'm loving his body so close to mine.

I can handle us kissing. But I got real scared when he started unclothing me. It's not that I've never wanted to do this, I just don't want to do this while he's drunk and might not remember.

"Hikaru-stop."

"Why? You know want this. Your hard."

I bite down on my lip. He swallows me hole. Never knew his big mouth could come in handy. Or that he knew how to…to use his tongue like that either. Or, I moan, or how to send me into a daze. When he's done he sits up to look at me. I'm huffing loudly. He takes my hands and rests them against his clothes.

"Undress me." He whispers.

The chills caress my body as I unbutton his pants and loosen his tie. He pounces. Forces himself into me. I can't hear anything but gasps. Moans. Panting. The virgin pain turns into ecstasy. Into lust. Into love.

"I want…harder."

He gives it to me full force. And soon we're both sticky. Both exhausted. I cant breathe. Hikaru is already asleep. I look down at him, then at the bottles we had pushed aside, and I began to weep. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

* * *

MORNING

I'm already in the kitchen when Hikaru makes it downstairs. He yawns and acts like nothing happened between us. But of course, to him, nothing DID happen. He pours some cereal.

"Kaoru, about our Host Club duties," He pauses, "I think we should have different customers, Y'know? Mix it up a little."

I bite down on my lip. Tears well up in my eyes.

"No, I completely agree." But I didn't really.

"Kaoru?" I bite down harder, "Are you crying?"

I gasp. Damn! Did he hear that?!? I race out the door. _Why? _Why is this happening? Why couldn't I have just stayed in bed last night? Never went upstairs? Never slept with Hikaru? Why do I always have to fuck everything up? Why am I so stupid?

I wipe away the tears when I enter school. I need to clean my face up secretly, so I enter the Host Club, it's early morning so no one should be here. But when I enter the door Tamaki sits alone, on the bench beside the piano, playing my favorite song.

I don't know how long I stood there. Maybe a few minutes, just listening to angelic music that could erupt from Tamaki's fingertips. I was so jealous, and yet, I was sort of happy too. That he could play like that. Especially right now, when I needed something to cheer me up.

Once the music stopped I began clapping. Tamaki looked up at me. He blushed.

"I didn't know anyone else got here this early."

"Well…I'm just here trying to avoid Hikaru." I sighed.

"Yeah, I heard what happened-" His face went blank.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Kaoru, have you been crying?"

I blushed, "Of course not!" I tried to hide my face but Tamaki stood up and held my face do that I looked directly at him.

"Tell me what happened."


	7. Hikaru realizes his problem

Chapter seven

Hikaru realizes his problems

Damn it! Why do I mess everything up? Why do I...do I always hurt him? Can't I just grow up? Can't I keep myself from making me look like a fool? Can't I....just kick these habits for good?

I know I blacked out again last night. And I must have done something real bad if I made Kaoru cry. But I really don't remember anything, and I don't care if you believe me or not. But all I remeber are flashes, Kaoru leaning close to me, kissing me. But that couldn't have happened! Maybe it just all a dream. Great, now i've got myself all flusterred.

So I guess now is the time to head to school, and I get into the car to be chauffeured to school. Alone. Suprising, isn't it? I didn't even take my alcohol. Because for some reason, I feel like i'm in big trouble. Like I did something really wrong. I didn't just hit Kaoru, which is wrong on all sorts of levels, but I did something worse. I crossed the line. And I know somehow I'll have to pay for it.

School seems a bit scary as I get out of the car and stare at how big it is; compared to how small I really am. And I am small, aren't I? I'm just a big coward. I drink away my problems instead of facing Kaoru; and telling him how I really feel. I can't keep myself from touching him unless I'm outside of my body. Unless I'm not myself. Isn't that just sad? Stupid? Cowardly? And yet I keep doing it. I know it's wrong. It's not like I'm iggnorant. I'm just stupid, and a bit stubborn. And maybe a little lost. Because I really don't understand. It's not really love, is it? If I can't make him happy, it's not love after all. It's just lust. It's just dirty feelings that I can't control. And Kaoru is suffering because I'm so selfish. All I think about is myself. And Kaoru's body. I'm so sick.

I wonder if Kaoru is already here once I open the doors and enter the hallway. A few of the girls greet me, some even say that they'll see me at the club. Maybe, that's where Kaoru is. Then I could talk to him. And ask him what exactly went on last night. Or maybe he wont even want to talk to me. But, it's worth a try, isn't it? And maybe I'll tell him about my drinking problem. Tell him I need his help. I need his support to keep me away from the bottle. From the addiction. From the monster. Because it's not just hurting me, it's hurting him too.

But when I stand there, my hands inches away from the handle, fear consumes me. Maybe I don't want to stop. Maybe I'll just leave, steal some money, and drink my life away. Not only will I be away from Kaoru so that I wont hurt him, but I'd also not be able to touch him. To lust for him. I'll never feel guilty about being drunk.

So I turn my back. Turn my back on everything. On Kaoru. On the one I love. And know that my life might spiral into chaos, but at least I wont drag him down with me. That he'll be free to be himself and not worry when he comes home, if i'm sober or not. If I'll beat him or not. If I'll keep hurting him when I really don't want to. It's the monster, I swear. It's the poison. I don't want to hurt you like this. Yet the next day will be worse than the day before.

"Hikaru!"

I'm sober, maybe a bit hungover but sober all the same, and yet I don't recognize that voice. I turn around in time to be thrusted to the ground by Tamaki-senpai. He hits me a couple times. I'm not even sure where. I'm just blinded by this sudden change of mood. But I can hear Kaoru in the background perfectly.

"No! Stop!" And he pulls Tamaki to his feet.

I sit up, a bit dazed. But once I blink my eyes a few times, I don't really like what I see. The hallway is empty, apart from us three. Tamaki is standing a few feet away, heaving as if it were _him _that had been attacked. And standing behind him, as if truly afraid of what was happening, was Kaoru. And Tamaki's stance was as if he were trying to protect Kaoru. From me.

"You shouldn't have hit him." Kaoru whispered, but it was loud enough for me to hear.

"I'm fine." I huffed, "But what the hell were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that you deserved it!" Tamaki growled, "That you deserve much worse!"

Tamaki looked as if he were about to much worse, but my body flamed with fury as Kaoru rested his hand on Tamaki to stop him. What the hell was going on!?!

"Kaoru told me about what happened last night-"

"What _did _happen?" I interrupted. I looked at Kaoru for the answer. Our eyes met for a split second before he looked away. So it _was_ that bad.

"You mean you really don't remember?" Tamaki hissed. I was getting really pissed now. This was mine and Kaoru's business, why was Tamaki all of a sudden involved? "You raped him!"

"Th-that's not true." Kaoru stuttered, "I mean I-"

"It doesn't matter." Tamaki sighed and seemed to calmed down. He moved his hair away from his eyes and looked death into me, "What does matter is your problem Hikaru. Your drinking has gotten way out of control. Something needs to be done or I wont allow you to be in the Host Club anymore."

"Like I care!" But I really did. I just didn't know what else to say because I was so blinded. By furt. By hate. By pain. All these emotions swept over me. I wish I was lost. Lost with the monster. With the alchol. With the posion. I wish I wasn't me.

"Don't you want to get better?" Tamaki asked.

"There is no better." I said, "All I need is Kaoru."

I got up and ignored Tamaki's closeness and reached out for Kaoru. But the most terrible thing happened. He cringed away from. Closed his eyes and flinched. He feared me. My heart broke in two as he clenched onto Tamaki. I let my hand drop to my side. So it's come this far. I've done that bad. He hates me now. He fears me. He doesn't want to be around me. It's all my fault.

I wish I were dead as the tears run down my face. And my shoulders began to shake. And my nose began to run. Because it hurt so bad. It hurt so bad I thought I'd be torn in two and set on fire. I don't deserve to be here. To be alive. To be so near Kaoru. I'm dirty. I'm worthless. I'm dead. Or at least I'm dying. I could easily poison myself with the monster. With the cancer sticks. With the self hate. I might as well commit suicide.

"Wont you go?"

I look up. And even though Kaoru is touching Tamaki, even though he holds onto him with something of a hint of trust or maybe even love, he stares into my eyes with want. Almost hunger. And he says it again.

"Wont you go to rehab?"

Rehab. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl. Makes me want to race back home and drink seventeen more bottles of poison. But his eyes make we want to be better. Just his slightest want, the knowing that he wants me to get better, makes me want to BE better. Better than I can ever be. Better for him.

So I wipe my eyes. I calm myself down so I can breathe evenly. And I stare past Tamaki and straight into my identical eyes and nod my head.

You should have seen him smile.


	8. Three years later

_**3**_

_**Years**_

_**Later**_


	9. Hikaru comes Home

Chapter 8  
Hikaru comes home

It's been hard. These past three years have been torture. I've had to stay in that huge house with people I don't even know. I had to be deprived of the bottle. Had to go through therapy. I had to make friends with total strangers, and put trust in people with the same problems as me.

We had all been addicted. Drugs, alcohol, sex. Which ever floated our boats. Each day I begged for the whisky, for the wine, for the vodka. Anything to drain my sorrows away. I know I agreed to be locked away, for my own good and his, but I had never agreed to be in pain. To crave so much for the poison.

But it helped. I know I have my pride; but it really did help. I've been sober these past years. Never touched the unholy liquid that turned me into a monster. And now I'm free to do anything; trust has been embedded into me. Though I know i'll have to earn Kaoru's.

That was the worst of it. Not being able to see him, that is. That was the part that hurt the most, but probably helped the most too. Because without him I didn't have those impulses; those urges. And I didn't vent my anger on him. So now I can come to him; a clean slate. A new beginning. And ill be there for him. I'll love him and support him. Because he's the reason I went through all of that. He's the reason I went and got saved.

I'm not saying rehab was total hell. Because those people became family. They became sisters and brothers and people I'd miss. But I knew that they'd get better too. They promised to write; but I don't think they will. And I don't think I will either. Because we were all apart of a history we'd all like to forget. And their secrets are my secrets; their memories mine. And no one else will be able to dive as deep as we had been together in that house.

It's been hours and the plane has finally stopped. I'm afraid of heights, so I kept my window drawn. We wait awhile before we can unboard, and even when the time come, theses people are too slow for me. Can't they see that I have a love waiting for me? Here to pick me up? Here to welcome me into his warm arms and take me home where it's safe and we can be alone. Where we can catch up on the things we missed out on. Ever since he stopped writing.

Yeah I was surprised at first, when he stopped sending the letters. I was actually kind of sad, and lonely. But then I guessed he stopped sending them for my own good. Because once he stopped writting, I tried harder to not touch the bottle. To not think of how great it would feel to have the poison drip into my mouth. And soon I could last days without talking about the monster.

Once I was off the plane I looked around for Kaoru. For my identical self. Except, maybe we weren't identical anymore. Maybe he let his hair grow out. Or maybe he got a piercing. Maybe he died his hair or gained fifty pounds. That made me smile to myself. What if Kaoru had gotten fat?

But I couldn't find him anywhere. I tried his cell. Tried his home. There was no answer. I began to worry. Called again. Silence. Maybe there was heavy traffic. Maybe he got into an accident! I shake my head. I have to stop jumping to strange conclusions. So I sat down and I waited.

And waited. And waited. And waited.

I had waited three hours before I decided to head home. I went outside and pulled over a taxi. Told him where I was heading, Kaoru had wrote me his new apartment he had bought. So now we could live all alone together. I smiled to myself. Yes, I was mad at him for not picking me up, yet the excitment of seeing him washed the anger away.

Y'know, I tried to remeber. What happened that night, I mean. I tried to go deeper into my memory and find out eactly what happened that night. If I had truly raped him. Kaoru had told Tamaki it wasn't exactly like that. So what exactly was it like? Did he enjoy it? Did he want it? Or was he just saying that so I wouldn't feel guilty? So I wouldn't blame myself?

But the thing is, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember a single thing. I tried, I really did. I tried until it felt like my head would burst and I'd brake out in tears. My roommates would ask me what was wrong. I'd just tell them, everything. But everything isn't wrong. Because now I'm sober. Now I'm free. I'm able to be the man Kaoru wants me to be. Whether that be his lover or close brother. Or anything inbetween.

It felt like all my insides would burst when the driver dropped me off at the apartment complex. My heart soared as I went up the steps, down the halls, until I found the exact room I was looking for. And it felt like my entire body was shaking with excitment as my hand touched door.

But all those feelings were lost. Completely scraped away. The cards were delt, the game was done. And I was far too late. Because when I opened the door, god have mercy on my soul, the scene that lay before me was something I'd rather forget. Yet there they lay sprawled on the ground, Kaoru ontop of Tamaki. Tamaki's shirt unbuttoned, Kaoru playing with his tie. I just stared wide eyed as they stared back at me, equally surprised.

This wasn't exactly the welcome home party I had expected.

* * *

Authors note: Hola! Yuuki Sakurai here! How is everyones Christmas break going? Did everyone enjoy this chapter? I would like to thank my readers for all of their reviews! Their all great and I read every single one of them! So please keep reviewing! So how do you guys feel about Tamaki and Kaoru? I was actually really excited to get them together! What do you think Hikaru will do though? You'll just have to find out! And again, thank you all for reading!!


	10. Kaoru and his relationship with Tamaki

Chapter Nine

Kaoru and his relationship with Tamaki

"Amazing, no?" Tamaki says, making his smile two times bigger than it naturally was, "Even though you two are apart for three years, you still look the same. Same hair cut and even the same height."

We had sat down to dinner. I don't exactly know how we had moved past that awkward scenario. I think it had something to do with Tamaki asking when dinner was ready, and Hikaru replying that he had been starving ever since he had gotten off the plane. I guess I had been the only one still a little shocked, because I haven't said a word to either of them. I had just set the table and we dug in, Tamaki complimenting something. But I hadn't paid attention.

How the hell could I have forgotten that Hikaru's plane was today?!?! I mean, did I even know? He sent me a letter didn't he? Or did he stop sending letters after I had? I look at both of them. How the hell can they look so comfortable?!?! I had barely touched my food and yet they sit there eating, even say a word or too. I was just too stunned.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to see my brother. I've missed him and thought about him from time to time. But my worlds changed in a huge way when he wasn't around. I just don't really know how to act around him. Which is stupid, isn't it? He's my brother, my twin. Words should flow easily for me. Yet I'm just too speechless. My breath is taken away.

I look over at Tamaki, whose eyes are already set on me. I blush and stare back at my food. Yes, he's the reason I stopped sending those letters. We didn't start dating right when Hikaru left. Actually, I hadn't even been interested. I was still so set on my brother. Expecting him to get better. To come back to me soon. I wrote Hikaru every chance I had. And his replies were the world to me. Because, even through all that drama, I didn't want our relationship to cut off. He was still my brother, even if he was miles away.

Then, on the nights were I just couldn't take it anymore, when the loneliness just bit at me and bit at me; I began to cut myself. And I was good at hiding it too. Until Tamaki found out and went into a fury. He said he'd never leave my side, he'd never let me be that lonely again. And I took comfort in that. That someone would bother to be there for me. And that relationship grew when he finally confessed his feelings for me. When he finally said that he couldn't be apart from me. And of course, I couldn't be apart from him either. And soon he was all I needed. I stopped writing the letters. And Hikaru never wrote back anyway. I guess I had thought that we had finally gone our separate ways.

And look where that got me; smack dab in the most awkward position ever. I sighed. Then I glanced over at Hikaru. He was playing with his food. I leaned on my elbow. I guess I did miss him sometimes. Especially when Tamaki was at work. And I would just clean and cook and I'd let my mind wander. Wander off to think about Hikaru; how he was doing. Did he miss me? When was he coming home? Was he coming home?

I fell real hard for Tamaki once Hikaru had disappeared from the picture. Tamaki took his place and I think, he was much better at it. Tamaki never got drunk. Or smoked. Or called me names. We had fights sometimes, but they'd always end in makeup sex.

I blushed. I hope Tamaki doesn't bring that up. I mean, I don't think he would but- Wah! I mean, it'd be so awkward! I told Tamaki, way before our first time, that Hikaru and I had slept together. And even then, before we had started dating, I think he was jealous. Pissed, yes. Jealous, a bit. I smiled to myself. Tamaki must've had feelings for me for a long time.

"Kaoru, you keep making strange feelings." Tamaki chuckled, "What're you thinking about?"

I went red, "Um, well, I'll clear the table."

"Here, I'll help too." Hikaru said, getting up from the table.

"Me too." Tamaki pushes his chair in.

I see Hikaru glare at him. I bend one of my fingers nervously before we begin scrapping plates and washing dishes. I sort of have the feeling that Hikaru still likes me. In the non brotherly sort of way. Or it could just be my imagination. But, I could've sworn-I mean, it's not like I'm hoping-am I hoping? No, of course not. Because I have Tamaki. And Tamaki is all I need. And just to prove it I smile warmly at him as he hands me a plate to dry off. He smiles back.

Damn it, Damn it, Damn it! Why does it have to be like this?! I don't to be like some stupid love torn teenage girl! I have a boyfriend, I have a brother. Their two total different things! A boyfriend can't be a brother; a brother can't be a boyfriend. I need something for my headache.

Tamaki is reliable. He'll be there for me through thick and thin. He'll support me and love me and be the best boyfriend he could possibly be. He's so kind and gentle and works for the needs of other people. He thinks of other's before himself and-he's so incredibly funny and gullible and eccentric. Which makes me love him all the more.

And Hikaru; how can I wrap this all up in one paragraph? He's moody, and mean, and a drunk and he's called me names, and fought over things that don't make sense. He'll die by lung cancer or liver failure. He'll never be there for me, I can't trust him or know when he'll be home or not. I never know what he's thinking or feeling or what he wants. He's just this huge mystery that I don't think I can solve. He's a puzzle with too many pieces.

"Well," Hikaru sighs, "I think I'm off to bed."

"Right, I'll show you to the guest bedroom." We go into the extra room. He sets his backpack down and sits on the bed. I pull out a blanket and sheets from the closet. We both make the bed together. And when I think it's getting a bit too awkward, I decide to leave.

"Kaoru?"

I turn around before closing the door.

"I'm really happy to be home. And to see you." He edges a little closer, "I missed you."

He wraps his arms gently around me. I hug him back. And I am swept over with guilt. I watch him climb into bed before I turn off the lights and head into my own room. Tamaki is already lying down. I crawl into bed with him and hold tightly onto his shoulders. He turns and covers my ear with his hands and begins to caress them. I close my eyes.

And as Tamaki tries to help me fall asleep, to forget about the past hour and calm my nerves down; the guilt brakes down my barriers. I know I tried to hold it in when Hikaru was around, but now it's just pulsing through my veins, knocking on my pressure points.

I barely even talked to Hikaru today. Didn't even say hi. Or that I was happy to see him today. That he was home. All I did was think terribly of him. Think about the past, and how he messed up so badly. How I doubted his ability to be able to quit drinking. He didn't come home drunk, did he? So why had I been so hard on him?

Maybe, I thought as I close my eyes, maybe I was trying to justify mine and Tamaki's relationship compared to the one Hikaru and I had had.


	11. Tamaki and his calm threats

Chapter Ten

Tamaki and his calm threats

Once I'm sure that my love is asleep, I get up and cross the hall. I don't really understand why he wanted a place so below our potential. We could've moved to Italy, Germany, and the states. I would've taken him anywhere his heart desired. Yet he chose to stay here, to buy an apartment complex so far from his home, and to be a stay at home house wife. Not that I didn't enjoy coming home to a clean house, Kaoru in an apron flustering about , and food made by the hands I loved. I just think….I think he gave up. On everything. I think Hikaru sort of wore him out. Scared him enough that he sort of mellowed out everything and wanted nothing to do with the world. He just sort of wanted a support system. Which is where I come in.

I knock on the guest room door. Hikaru slowly opens it just a crack and I can see his eye peer through. He must've suspected Kaoru, because he seemed surprised. He opened the door a little wider, as if telling me to come in. I shook my head.

"We'll talk in my office."

So he silently followed me into my office I had set up. I sat down in my reading chair while Hikaru took a seat at my desk. He looked around, and I wondered if he was remembering his dad's office, and how disappointed he might be since mine doesn't hold any alcohol. Then his eyes rested on me and our eyes were locked. I crossed my legs.

"So, Hikaru, how was rehab?"

I watched him fold his arms in front of his chest, a defensive stance.

"It was hell. But that isn't really what you want to talk to me about though, is it?"

Smart. Maybe he was clean. I leaned in with my eyes still locked on his, "I don't trust you."

"I don't care." He said right after I finished my sentence, "I don't need you to trust me."

"Or maybe you do. Kaoru is my boyfriend after all," I loved watching him twitch when I had said boyfriend, "And he'll trust my opinion before yours."

"Well, he's my brother. He can trust me. He'll believe me." I can already hear the doubt in his voice. Maybe this will be easier that I thought.

"It doesn't matter that he's your brother. How can he trust someone that would drink? That would hit him and use him and in the morning not even remember or apologize. Who in their right mind would want to live a life like that?"

"I'm sober. I'm clean."

"So you're saying that if I gave you a bottle of anything you like, you'd throw it away? You'd turn your back? I want proof. Prove me wrong."

Hook, line, and sinker. I watched Hikaru's eyes gleam with hunger. He still craved the poison.

"You come here thinking that you can win him back. That you can just sweep him off his feet and live your lives as if nothing happened. But something did happen. And I was there, not you, to be there for him. You shouldn't be here, and you know it too, because all you'll do is disappoint him. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Because that's all you do Hikaru. All you do is disappoint your brother and cause him stress."

Then the kicker,

"If you really loved him, you would leave so he'd be happy."

He stared at me with hate. I could feel the anger and rage emitting from his body. And it took all my might to hold back the smile that creeped my lips. But he didn't have anything to say. I fueled his fire of doubt. And now he knew that he was no match for me. He had already messed up enough. His turn was already over. Kaoru was all mine.

I watched him triumphently, as he rested his hand on the door knob. He turned to me and his eyes were wide and hurt. But I could still find the taste of hatred. But I could also feel the want. His longing to be in my place. The place where I could freely hold Kaoru in my arms. And he'd be ok with it. And he'd actually want it.

Then he left. And all of a sudden I realize how lucky I am. If Hikaru hadn't been a drunk, I never would've gotten my chance. Never would've spent the time I had with Kaoru. And Kaoru, he makes life worth living. He makes me want to be better, to be this superhero for him. Because the thought of seeing him cry, or being unhappy, or him in someone else's arms; drives me crazy. He belongs to me. And I'd kill anyone that came between us.

I'm giving Hikaru a warning before I bring out the weapons.


	12. Hikaru and the untold secrets

Chapter eleven

Hikaru and the untold secrets

I stood outside of that door trying to keep myself together. To calm myself down so that I wouldn't cry. I already planned out what I should dol. I'll just get my bags and leave. Won't even stop to tell Kaoru goodbye. I don't want to overstay my welcome. Don't want to be a nuisance to anyone.

What was I thinking when I got off that plane? That I could just come home redeemed with a clean slate? That Kaoru would welcome me back with open arms? I must be an idiot. I did a lot of bad things, should I really expect Kaoru to trust me again? To turn the other cheek and forget about all I did to him? It doesn't matter that I'm sober, all that matters is that I've lost my chance. And now he's happy. Maybe not with me; but he's happy. Shouldn't I be happy too?

Of course it should. But it doesn't. Because I'm selfish. I want Kaoru all to myself. I want him to belong to me. I want to wake up in the morning with him by my side; and feel complete. Feel the rush of having someone love me so much. To need me and want me. Is that too much to ask? From Kaoru it is. How could I do such terrible things to him and come home as if nothing happened, and want him to love me? It's like telling your child he's an disgrace and still expect a Christmas present or the father of the year award.

The phone rings. It's answered. I press my ear to the door to listen closely.

"Haruhi? What time is it there?"

So Tamaki is still in contact with Haruhi.

"Of course work is fine. Why are you calling so-oh, I see. And how's Mori? Yes, yes. Of course we're still expecting you over for Christmas."

Christmas? That's months away.

"Yes, yes. I bought the ring."

Ring?

"I'm proposing to him tomorrow."

Silence. I can't hear the rest of the words because my heart is beating so loud that I can hear it pulse through my eardrums. Propose? Marriage? I can't believe this. I can't believe anything. I really have lost him. For good now. Now that he'll have a ring on his finger. Now that he'll have someone else's last name. My heart beat grew faster and louder. I don't have anything anymore. Everything I've lived for is gone. I just-there's nothing left. Tamaki stole the last thing. Now I've cracked. He's really cracked me this time.

But…..there's still that. The only thing still around to comfort me. To make me feel better. And I can buy it anywhere. It's still out there, and no one can take it from me. Not the doctor's in rehab. Nothing's holding me back this time. Kaoru won't be around to lash out on. Besides, he'd be protected by his fiancée.

The hunger has already set and taken over my body. I take my stuff and the keys to Tamaki's car; because I won't waste my money on another taxi. And I'm speeding down the road; blinded by fury, by hunger, by loneliness. I long to drench all my sorrows in drunken happiness. To forget that I'm nothing; if only for today. I hate myself and the way I played things out. If only I could turn back time and play the different route. Maybe then I would've won. But I know it's all my fault, there is no one else to blame.

And that's when I break down crying. Because now I know everything's over. That I've lost him. That's it's just not fair that I've already lost him. Won't he miss me? Won't he wonder where I am? Will he ponder the nights if I'm ok? Still alive? I wonder if he still sees me as his brother; or just a bother in his new life? Just someone he'll kick out in a day or two so that he can enjoy his time with his new lover? Am I meaningless to him? A disgrace, something to hide? Am I really nothing to him anymore?

When I enter the bar it smells like home. Or dad's office. Whichever one. But it's a welcoming smell of booze. I can practically taste the poison. I asked for the monster as I sat with the other lost souls. I wondered why they drank. Why they wasted their lives away in a bottomless pit like this? Didn't they have families, or kids? Work, school, a life? Or were places like these just filled with useless people? Were we all related through pointlessness instead of blood?

I'm almost overwhelmed when the bartender sets the alcohol in front of me. I hold it as if it were a baby; soft and gentle. Then I washed it all away. I asked for drink after drink. Getting more lost on each one. But no matter how much poisoned my veins; the feeling just wouldn't go away. The loneliness; the loss of direction. The cold shivers that ran through my skin. I was going real low. And I didn't like it. Maybe I need something else. Did I know anyone that got high? Was that even available around here?

I close my eyes. Maybe I should go-oh wait, here comes more. I guess I forgot I asked for another one. How much money did I owe him? Oh, who cares? I'll just ask for more until I can pass out or get poisoned. I laughed. Poisoned from the poison. Oh, more beer.

Maybe I'm giving up too soon? Maybe I can still win Kaoru over. Maybe I could kick Tamaki's lousy ass and Kaoru would come stay with me. Yeah, it's the monster talking. But while I'm stuck in this alcohol abyss; fighting for Kaoru sounds like a mighty nice plan to me. I'll just have to find the car keys. Which is- where did I put them? I looked around. Where was my backpack? Did I-it's the car right? I left it in the car?

"Hay."

My eyes begin acting all weird. I can't see whose talking to me but they sound pretty angry. Something about money? Oh, I have money. I put it-here it is. In my pocket. Oh, there's the key too. I give the man all my money. Then I stagger out the door. Where did I park the car? What does the car look like anyway? And why do my shoes feel heavy? I pull off my sneakers and throw them somewhere. Then I look around for the car again. There it is; Tamaki's car. I try the key. Why, won't it go in? I try the key again. I grumble when it won't fit.

"Hay buddy! Stay away from my car!" Strange, his voice is so loud, yet he's standing so far away. All of a sudden I'm pushed against something, "I said to stay away from my car." How did he get over here so fast?

He let me go after a second and I tried looking for Tamaki's real car. And finally, hopefully, I found it. I try the key a few times, and on my fourth try it finally slides in. I open the door and sit in the driver's seat. I start the car, after trying the key a few times. And I'm finally on the road.

And I'm so overwhelmed, I feel like I can't breathe. I'm being attacked with all these emotions and colors mixing together. My ears feel like they're bleeding; and yet I still want to get home to see Kaoru. To whisk him away.

I look down for a second, because my feet are feeling weird. But when I look back up all I see is a bright light.

Then I'm engulfed into darkness.


	13. Kaoru and the Random Date

*************************************************************************************Authors note: Hello everyone! (hugs) How was Christmas? Guess what I got? A new laptop! So I get to update my stories more randomly/often! (laughs) Now, is it just my email or is happening to everyone else? Like, I'll check my fan fic and I'll have new reviews, but when I check my e-mail, I have no new messages! Am I the only one that's happening to? Anyway; how do you like Tamaki having his own chapters? I didn't really want to make him that evil, because in my eyes he's still his goofy self. Just more goofy around Kaoru. He's mean towards Hikaru because he doesn't want to lose his lover, because he knows the brotherly bond between the twins can never be broken. So he's trying to distance the two. Anyway, I'm sorry that this chapter sort of leaves you hanging. It's suspense my darling readers! Suspense!

* * *

Chapter Eleven

Kaoru and the random date

I'm floating through this sort of liquid. Almost like water, but It's sort of solid too. It's kind of hard to explain. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is this weightless feeling that consumes me. I feel care free. A feeling I haven't felt in a long time. I feel so peaceful I never want to wake up. I just want to float like this forever and never have to worry again.

"Kaoru! Wake up!"

I opened my eyes. Tamaki's bright violet eyes stared down at me. A big grin spread across his face. I groaned.

"What time is it?"

"Around one in the morning." Tamaki trills, "A perfect time to go to please insert fancy restaurant here."

"Are you serious?" I sat up and began rubbing my eyes, "You want to go out to eat? _Now?"_

"Yes, I'm quite famished." He gets off the bed and I notice he's already dressed, "And well, I want you all to myself for the next few hours."

I smiled, "You always get me to yourself. Besides, what about Hikaru? He just-"

"He's ok with it." Tamaki said, "I talked to him and he's going to go visit kyoya."

"Well, since you've planned everything out I guess I'll go ahead and get dressed."

"Great." He pecked me for half a second then was out the door. I know he's so stupid, but when he gets all energetic and clumsy, I just love it. It makes my heart flutter and gets me all excited. That's why I love being with him. Because he can just cheer me up like that without even thinking about it. So I got dressed quickly, because I wanted to spend the next hours with him too. God I'm so lovesick.

"Yes, now let's go." Tamaki took my keys and twirled them on his finger as I put my jacket on.

"Why aren't we taking your car?"

"Hikaru's borrowing it."

I was surprised. I mean, I know Tamaki never voiced it, but he didn't really care for Hikaru. I've noticed him frown a bit whenever I mentioned him. I mean, I didn't blame him. I did lose my virginity to Hikaru before I slept with Tamaki. I bet Tamaki wanted to be my first. And, well, I sort of do too. I wish, instead of being caught up in Hikaru's drunken frenzy, I could've romantically been swayed by Tamaki. I think Tamaki would've been easier and nicer and maybe even better. I think he would've waited until I was ready.

I know Tamaki said it was rape. But it wasn't. He still insists it was, but he never reported it. And he doesn't bring it up. But I know it wasn't rape. Because I could've stopped him. I know if I truly wanted him to stop, he would've. No questions asked. Drunk or not. I don't think Hikaru would take advantage of me like that.

"Are you done daydreaming?" Tamaki asked, poking me.

"Ow!" I rubbed the spot he jabbed me in, "That hurt."

"Oh, I'm sorry." He kissed me lightly. Then he pulled my hand and he skipped all the way to the car. I just walked behind, a bit embarrassed, but still warm inside. The drive to the restaurant was filled with Tamaki's happy chatter. He was going on about these new toys with a string and you use the string to pull up and down an oval object. He was so excited about it and wanted to try it out. I reminded myself to buy that for him next time I go shopping.

"Aha, we're finally here!" Tamaki exclaims excitedly. He rushes out of the car and comes over to my side. Please don't tell me he's doing this. Oh, god, he is. He opens the door for me and takes my hand to help me out. I'm blushing so hard that if you tried to juice my cheeks; red liquid would come pouring out.

"This place has everything!" his eyes go wide, "American cuisine, Indian, Hispanic, just countless of different cultures!"

Wow, he's really excited about this. I wonder if he's been here before. Or maybe he looked it up. I secretly hoped he did look it up, just for me. That sounds like something he would do. God, why am I so lucky to have him? He crosses our arms together as if we were getting married.

"I have a reservation for Suoh." He says loudly. I just blush and hide my eyes. Why is he always so loud? But once I'm over the embarrassment, and the server shows us to our table, I begin to relax and take in my surroundings. This place really is nice. It has a warming effect, soothing music. No loud noises. I liked it here. The server offered us wine. We both turned it down. So we ordered beverages and looked at the menu. The variety really was impressive. So impressive I didn't know what to choose.

"Do you know what you're having?"

I look up. Tamaki is peering at me from above him menu. I blush. I never realized how deep his eyes were. They were like two pools of violet flowers. My heart skipped a beat and it took me a second before my brain could reattach to my mouth.

"I-um, I haven't decided yet."

"Well, you get whatever you want, ok?" I blushed harder. I watched him take his glass and gulp down the rest of his drink. Am I taking too long? Am I wasting his time? God, why do I get so flustered when we're in these surroundings together? I act like a love struck teenage girl.

"Would-would you order for me?"

I regret my words once they slip my mouth. Tamaki looks at me wide eyed, still holding his glass in the air. Why am I so stupid!?!

He begins laughing, "That-that was so adorable!"

There he goes again. But his laugh is so contagious, I begin laughing too. And we're just the two random guys laughing for no apparent reason in the middle of a top dollar restaurant. We calm ourselves down when our server comes over again. I don't even listen to what he orders me, because I'm smiling at him so hard. How does he do it? How does Tamaki make me feel this way? How does he know all the right things to say, and when to say them?

Dinner was delicious. We ate fast, because I think we both knew what we wanted to do for desert, but the food really was delicious. I'd like to go back again. Tamaki paid the server in cash, that way we wouldn't have to wait around. We raced to the car and sped home, I'm kissing his neck the entire time he drives. Once we speed into the driveway he picks me up, groom and bride style. We enter the room and he sets me onto the bed. I pull him down by his tie and force a kiss onto him.

What the hell was in that food? Like, was there like sex pills drugged into my coke? Because I have never been this turned on. Not even during our first time. I guess there was just something about Tamaki's confident and bright mood today. God I'm so sick!

While we're kissing I feel him slips his cold hands down up my shirt and play with my nipple. I shivered and pulled his shirt off. I splayed my hands onto his chest. He shivered too. Soon Tamaki had my shirt off too and began licking my torso. I ran my hands through his hair as he began to unbutton my pants. I buck under his hand, begging for more. My member flames and pleads to go faster, harder. I unzip his pants.

I cling to the headboard as he thrusts himself into me. Each time brings more ecstasy. More hunger. More lust. The night air was accompanied by skin tingling moans. His kisses brought shivers to my lips. His smiles and sweet, sweet words made me feel so complete. Made me feel like I could do anything as long as he was by my side.

**Morning**

I open my eyes. It's five in the morning. Only slept an hour. I sigh, sit up, and turn on the lights. I almost screamed. Tamaki laid beside me, propped on his elbow, looking at me with those deep eyes again. My body went hot.

"What're you doing up?"

"I never went to sleep."

"Trouble sleeping?"

"I was too excited."

What's that mean? I looked at him curiously. He just smiled.

"look in the drawer."

"Excuse me?" I didn't understand what was going on.

"Look in the drawer and you'll see."

I looked at the bedside table. In that drawer? I glanced at Tamaki. He was still watching me. I slowly opened the drawer. It looked the same. My notebook was still there, the pictures from our first date were still there. Haruhi's letter was still there. What was-oh. That wasn't there before. I picked up the small squared box and brought it out. I looked at Tamaki.

"Open it."

So I did. And it took my breath away. The ring was huge and just…just plain beautiful. I couldn't believe what was happening. It seemed like a dream. Like we weren't really here, but more of in a sway of reality; if that makes sense.

"Will you?"

Wont I? Is there anything holding me back? Was there anyone that could measure up to the love that Tamaki made me feel? I couldn't put my finger on it, but I decided that the answer was; of course not. Because I don't think I've ever been this happy in my entire life. I'm about to give him my answer when my phone rings. I pick it up. And I can't believe what I've just been told;

"What?"

*************************************************************************************Authors note: Hay! Did you enjoy this chapter? What are your opinions? Has anyone changed sides to Kaoru/Tamaki instead of Kaoru/Hikaru? I'm sorry I couldn't think of a name for the restaurant; I really suck at those parts. So, what do you guys think the phone call is? What do you think happened to Hikaru? Please review! Pretty, pretty please! Hugs and kisses!

-Yuuki


	14. Tamaki watches with Distaste

Author's note: Hello loved ones! Ok, I made an oopsie in the last chapter. I called it chapter 11, but it was really chapter 12. And this is Chapter 13. So please forgive me! BTW: Does anyone know what toy Tamaki was talking about in the previous chapter? The first one to reply the right answer will get to influence my next chapter or story (haven't chosen which one yet) (sweat drop) Anyways! Please enjoy the next chapter from the bottom of my heart!

Chapter Thirteen

Tamaki watches with distaste

I hate it! I just absolutely hate it! I feel like throwing something, or hitting someone, or just plain screaming into the air! Of course, I don't let these emotions be physically expressed while Kaoru is around. While he stares into the window, looking at Hikaru limp on the bed. Why couldn't he have done me a favor and died? Well, actually he did, the way the doctors told us. That his heart stopped beating for awhile. But they brought him back. They must be so proud of themselves, I thought as I rolled my eyes. All they did was cause a nuisance to my perfect plan.

Everything was going so perfectly. I had actually been able to take Hikaru off Kaoru's mind easily and took him to that restaurant. Ending up in bed wasn't really in the plan; it was just a bonus. And when he opened that box, and when I saw how his eyes shinned with surprise, I knew we were finally going to be official. He was finally going to have my last name, and we'd be together through heart and soul. Til death do us part.

But he just had to receive that call. Right at that moment. The moment when I knew he would reply yes without hesitation. Because there had been nothing holding him back. But now; now Hikaru was around. And injured too. Just more pity and attention Kaoru will give to him. Why am I cursed like this?

I was sitting in the waiting room when Kaoru returned red eyed. He's been crying. He sits next to me and I hold him tightly. Just because I hate his brother, doesn't mean I'll rag on him when Kaoru's in pain. That would just make me lose brownie points. When we separate he rubs his eyes and looks longingly to the room where Hikaru stayed. We weren't allowed to enter the room because they were still running tests and taking blood.

"Do you want me to get you something to drink?"

He nods, "Just-Just water I guess."

I leave him to find the vending machine. I look around; I get lost easily, and end up asking someone for directions. So I put my change in and wonder if Kaoru really would've said yes. Or was it rejection hanging from his lips? Was our love just not deep enough for commitment? I shook my head. I can't think so negatively. I run my hands through my hair as the water drops to the bottom. I bend down to pick it up. I just have to block out the bad thoughts and try to be there for Kaoru. Because he's more important.

He's still sitting with his knees pressed to his chest. I hand him the water bottle. I notice how shaky his hands are and I'm overcome with worry. I don't want him to suffer like this, looking over his brother.

It was silent for a long time. He'd drink some water and put the cap back on. A few minutes later he'd repeat the process. I stood up, I couldn't take it anymore.

"What's wrong?" Kaoru stood up too.

I force him into a bone crushing hug. I hug him so tightly because, because he's scaring me so bad. The way he's acting. It's like how he used to act, right after Hikaru went MIA. I needed to get my control on him again. I need to reassure him that I'm here no matter what. That I won't disappear from his life unless he wanted me too. Unless I was the one causing him pain.

"He'll be alright." I hated saying the stinging words, "He'll pull through."

And Kaoru clinged onto my shoulders and sobbed so loudly it made my legs weak. I hated him like this. I hated him being in so much agony. He was like a fragile doll; he needed to be taken care of. I'll be the one doing so. My heart heaved as his tears soaked my shirt and his grip squeezed tighter. Again; why couldn't you have died?

"Look; he's waking up!"

They must be talking about Hikaru. I turn to look and see but Kaoru has already pushed himself off of me. He's already raced pass the nurses and doctors. He's already taken the hand of my rival into his own and cradled it with fresh tears in his eyes.

He's already left me far behind.


	15. Hikaru and the cloudy memories

Chapter Fourteen

Hikaru and the cloudy memories

A light. A bright light. I open my eyes. And I'm lying on my bed, Kaoru beside me with his eyes closed, and our pinkie fingers entwined together. I narrowed my eyes. Where were we? Everything seemed so unreal. Almost like a dream. Then Kaoru's eyes opened and he smiled at me.

The scene changed. Now we're in the Host Club, alone together. And Kaoru is leaning on my shoulder. I can barely breathe. And soon he falls onto my lap, fast asleep. My heart racing a mile a minute and I bend down and kiss his soft lips lightly. The first time I took advantage of Kaoru in his sleep. The beginning of many guilty nights.

The scene changes again. And I'm staring at myself. Looking at me sitting against the wall, taking bottle after bottle. Watching the alcohol run down my lips. Watching the sweat, the hunger, the pain. It was sickening. How could I be content with his? How could the poison make me this weak, this disgusting, this revolting?

The door opened. Kaoru entered the room, I slur about something, and there is an exchange of words. But soon I've pinned him onto the floor. I can't believe what I'm watching. Was this the "Rape" Tamaki was talking about? Was this what had caused Kaoru so much pain? I watch myself kiss him. And my skin shivers when I see me unclothe him. I can't take it any longer.

"Stop!" I know they can't hear me, "Please, stop! I don't want this!"

And it's like a waterfall of memories. One after the other. Me and Kaoru swinging together. Me comforting him while he cries. The first time Tamaki comes into our life. Kaoru on top of Tamaki. The poison, the monster, the darkness. The bright light. The crash. The cold.

"Look; he's waking up!"

I open my eyes. I'm surrounded by a pale white room. There are cabinets and machines and a TV. Screen that hung onto the opposite wall. The door was thrown open and someone runs into the room. I watch them take my hand and look at me straight into my eyes. I'm confused.

His eyes were honey colored, and teary, as if he were about to cry. His hair was red and unkept; he looked like he hadn't taken a shower in a few days. He was wearing a red t-shirt that was inside out and jeans with holes in it. I take my hand away from him.

"Who are you?"


	16. Kaoru through the eyes of an older brthr

A/N: Hello everyone! It's New Years at the moment; and I'm a bit tipsy! (laughs) I'm lying! But anyway, about the toy and next chapter thing; I wonder if anyone read that and, or if no one cares, or if the question was just too hard! Which it wasn't. Was it? Anyway! The toy Tamaki was talking about was a yo-yo! A yo-yo! He's so adorable I swear….

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

Kaoru through the eyes of an older brother

I stared bright eyed at Hikaru. His eyes were narrowed, a bit glazed over. He's got to be kidding me. Teasing. Acting stupid. Maybe he's still drunk. Maybe the doctors fed him morphine and he's acting all funny. The doctors followed in, Hikaru looked up at them.

"Where am I?"

One doctor looked down at me. I nodded my head and placed my hand against Hikaru's cold cheek.

"Hikaru, your in the hospital."

He stared at me strangely and moved my hand away, "Who are you? Why am I here?" He placed his hand over his ears, "I don't understand what's going on!"

The doctors filed in around him while one of the nurses took my hand and lead me out of the door. I would have fought back. If I knew what to fight for. I was just too breathless, too confused, to do anything. I'm just soulless. Lost. I'm in this dreamless state. A bittersweet coma. She leads me to the waiting room where Tamaki has his legs pressed to his chest, drinking out of a plastic cup. He stands up.

"What happened?"

I look up at him. He stares down at me and I watch as this wave of emotion rushes through his eyes. He holds me close. My arms stay limp. I'm numb. My brain is racing a mile a minute. Was this a after taste of the crash? Was it just a minor malfunction? Something they cam fix? Or was he just fucking me? And will I just race in there and slap him over the head and tell him to stop being stupid?

"Kaoru Hittachin?"

Tamaki lets go, takes my hand, and helps me turn to face the graying man in the white coat. He takes off his glasses, as if it pained him to tell me the news. He looked through his clipboard, as if he forgot which patient he was spilling the beans about, and what exactly the beans were. Tamaki tightens his grip on my hand.

The graying doctor looks at me sternly, "You might need to sit down."

I'm over swept with fear. And it must have shown too because Tamaki sits me down and sits down closer to me. I'm staring at the floor, but I can feel Tamaki's eyes on me. The doctor sits across from us and I see him cross his legs. We'll be here for a while

"Your twin brother, as it seems, has suffered very severe brain damage." I swallowed hard. I don't want to hear this, "And bits and pieces of his memories may be lost."

Bits and pieces? He doesn't even know who I am! Doesn't even recognize his twin brother whom he's spent his entire life with! I felt like I was outside of my body. Like I wasn't even myself. Like I was completely gone, and nobody's noticing how I'm just dead.

"How can we help?"

I was so taken aback when I heard Tamaki's voice say such words. At first I looked around, as if there was someone else out there in the world that had his voice, before I rested my eyes on where he sat. His eyes were locked on the doctor. His hand still entwined with mine.

"I mean, can't we help get his memories back? Or send him somewhere where his memories can be restored easily?"

The doctor sets his clipboard down, "There's no easy way to reclaim memories. They'll just have to come when triggered. But what I need is to know that someone will be able to take care of him, or we'll set him in our medical ward to be looked after."

"Me." I replied breathless, "He's my brother. He belongs to me." That's when I realized how strange that must've sounded. But at the moment I didn't care. I was too shaken to realize that things like this really did happen. Not just in dad's drama shows. These kind of things were possible and could happen to anyone. It happened to my brother. To someone I never would've seen something bad happen to. Because he was always so happy. So care free. It was almost as if he were above something like this.

But he's not. He's lying on that bed with no memory of me. And maybe even more. He's helpless and needs someone to look after. Which is what brothers are for. To look after. But now he's my full responsibility. The tables are turned. I've taken the role as an older brother. Now he's got me to turn to. To rely on. And I sort of liked the idea as the one to take command.

"I'll take care of him."

"We'll take care of him."

I looked up at Tamaki. He slowly looked down back at me, into my eyes, and smiled. My breath was taken away. And my heart felt like it would burst from my chest. Because I can't believe what Tamaki's just said. Sure, he's my boyfriend. Sure, we've been together for awhile. Sure, we have feelings for each other. But that doesn't mean he needs to take on this huge role as a guardian for someone that he truly disliked. Someone he'd rather stay very far away from. Yet he agreed to look after my brother. Someone he didn't trust. I hugged him so tightly I could've chocked him.

"See, I am useful sometimes."

I broke out in fresh tears, "Your useful all the time." I sobbed into his shirt, "I love you Tamaki, I love you so much."

His hand ran through my hair until it rested on my ear. He began stroking it and my legs went weak. He knew how to mellow me out.

"Ahem." The doctor cleared his throat, "I believe the patient is ready to have guests."

I looked up at Tamaki. He nodded his head. So I got up and slowly made my way to the door. But then I turned around, ran into Tamaki's arms and planted a kiss onto his lips. He twirled me around as we embraced and meshed in bittersweet harmony. When he let me go I power walked back to Hikaru's room, but before I entered, I stared through the window and watched him eat slowly. And I realize with a warming feeling, that Hikaru might have lost his memory, but he was still alive. He was still here. Still touchable. Still mine.

I entered the room and sat on his bed. He looked at me with our identical eyes.

"Your, my brother. At least, that's what the nurses say." He rubs his eyes, "We're twins. But, no one will show me a mirror."

I smiled, new tears forming, "You don't need one."


	17. Tamaki and the visit to the dark prince

Chapter Sixteen

Tamaki and the visit to the Dark Prince

Its been two weeks! Two weeks! You'd think I'd be used to it by now! You'd think I could be the perfect boyfriend and not be so selfish or clingy! Well I can't help being the way I am. I cant help feeling this way; vulnerable, unloved, unwanted. I just need some attention. Is that too much to ask? Well, in this position of course it is, but I need love too. I'm right here. You can lean on me. I'm indestructible. I can be for you at least. I can hold you up. I can be your superman.

I know it's tough. Kaoru has it tough about his brother. And I know he didn't ask for this to happen. I know he feels guilty and responsible. But is he willing to jeopardize our relationship for-no. I wont think this way. I wont doubt him. I'll just give him time. I'll just wait it out. that's what good boyfriends do.

I rung the doorbell three times before it was opened by a butler. I came in, thanking the butler and asked loudly in my booming voice,

"Where's my good friend Kyoya?!"

"Will you please shut it Tamaki?"

I look over to see kyoya sitting at his usual desk typing away. His glasses rest on his nose and his eyes are focused on his work. I sit down in the extra chair crossing my legs.

"So Kyoya! What is it your working on today?"

"The usual." He said, not looking up from his work.

Oh, I didn't mention? Kyoya was left the family business. His father had died suddenly in our last year of high school and written in his will was that his youngest son would inherit the business. Yet, even though Kyoya had worked so hard for the business, he never showed any excitement in his face or in his voice. He's never seemed amused about working. So I usually wondered if Kyoya was really truly happy about inheriting the business.

"What is it you want Tamaki? I have a very important meeting in an hour."

"I want you to go to the fair with me." I said brightly.

Kyoya narrowed his eyes at me, "too busy."

I pouted.

"Why don't you ask your fiancé to go?"

He hit a spot, "We're not really close right now."

"I see. So you come to me when you have no one else?"

"Exactly."

"Not going to happen."

"Kyoooooya!" I flung my hands in the air, "but I'm so bored!"

"Correction." kyoya shut his laptop, "Your not bored. Your lonely. And jealous. And acting like a complete idiot as always. Why are you coming to me instead of facing your problems?"

I stared at him wide eyed.

"So Kaoru's spending a lot of time with Hikaru. He's lost his memory, what're you gonna do? But have you ever tried helping Kaoru with the memory exercises?"

I shook my head.

"Well, that's one way to spend time together. That or do your routinely idiotic out of the blue schemes." Kyoya rose from his chair, "Just stop whining to me and be a man."

Then when he was at the door he turned to me, his glasses pressed up his nose.

"He probably feels lonely and abandoned too. He's taken up this huge responsibility. So go and make things right."

And he shut the door behind him. I sighed heavily, for that was a lot to take in. But leave it up to the dark prince to dish it out plain and truthful.

******************************************************************************************Author's note: Hello? Hello, is anybody there? Oh, hi! I'm so sowee I haven't written in forever and that this chapter is SO short -_- don't hate me! It's just I'm so busy now. Too busy actually. I feel like I'm on this train and I need to jump off at some point. But I just don't know when. Does that make any sense? Well, y'know its weird. This story feels like it's a whole different story now (laughs) I mean, in the beginning it was all about Hikaru's drinking problems and the twins lust for each other. But now I've thrown in so many crazy things…..I'm insane. Well, actually I'm addicted to drama. And nobody cares! Nobody reads this! I need some sleep……..


	18. Kyoya's cup of tea

Chapter Sevente3n

Kyoya's cup of Tea

I can't believe that fool. He just barges in and babbles on, as If I can't tell something's bothering him. He gets on my nerves I swear, I wish he would just got to a therapist for Christ's sake instead of coming to me for free sessions. And it's not like I'm entirely thrilled to hear about his daily life. He's like a child, he needs to grow up. How does Kaoru keep up with him? Apparently he doesn't if Tamaki's feeling so ignored he needs to run to me.

"Sir?"

"Dress me."

I close my eyes and try to calm my nerves as my well paid servants unclothe me. I should've moved far away from here. Should've denied the inheritance and passed it to Onii-san. But of course back then I was blinded by greed and selfishness. No wonder mother hasn't ringed.

Tamaki's bright childish face pops back into my mind. I grit my teeth together. I've had to deal with him for three long years of high school. And now, with both of our businesses being so large and profitable now, we've been working together. I just can't get rid of him! He'll always be here; causing me stress and headaches.

"Sir, would you like anything else before you leave?"

I pulled the jacket up over my shoulder, "A cup of tea would be very welcome."

I was left alone in the room. I sat on my bed and rubbed my head. Strange. Tamaki's the only visitor I've had in awhile. I think I haven't had someone over since Haruhi and Mori moved away. Ami really that caught up in my work and myself that I can't have a social life? Or I myself shoo away people? I sighed. Life just feels like its gone by so fast. Like its out of my hands, like I've lost something important that I can't take back.

"Your tea sir."

I took it and blew into it to cool it down. I wonder if I should have pushed Tamaki away like that? If I should've recognized his feelings. I could've taken advantage of them. I could've used him to spend time with me. Time that I wanted to make up when I had kept that secret so deep down that I had pretended it wasn't even there. But it was. And now it was crawling itself out into the open air. It wanted to be free. Spoken. It wanted to be recognized. Those words, that secret. I could tell him.

But I wont. I wouldn't take advantage of him either. Because I'm not like that. Don't give me that look. I might do things to get my own way but I wont be selfish. I wont twist things so hard that they'll brake. And I wont do that to Kaoru. He is my friend after all. And Tamaki sure does love him. At least that's what I can see. And actually, I can feel it some times too. Feel the love radiate from his body or his smile. And those moments fill me with envy.

I get into the limo while still sipping my cup of tea. And I stare out the window as the driver takes off. And I watch everything go past me, things I cant control. I'm so used to being on top. To being so stoned faced and unreadable. But because of him I get so….it's hard to explain. I just want to be around him all the time. Why can't he notice me?

* * *

Author's note: Right, so now Kyoya has his own chapters….this has gone on too far (laughs) but I really do like this story. I might use it for a real story but with different characters….and of course I'd give all of you free copies! There are probably eight more chapter of this story so we have some time. But when I'm done with this I'll focus on we were just neighbors. Then I'll probably start a Furuba fic. So hugs and kisses til then!


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